So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize