i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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