I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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