im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
