Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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