I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize