i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
