Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
