I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize