I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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