Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I smell like Dick and happiness
How naked do you want me to be?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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