Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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