Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
