so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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