Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
