It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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