Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
