I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
