I hope mine doesn't look like that
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
