uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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