a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
So here I am, sexting at work.
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