Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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