Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
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