I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I want her autograph on my taint
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
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