I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
