Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
