Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
All I want is dick and wine.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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