I wish I could teleport
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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