just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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