she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
we're so committed to being not committed
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
