Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
