I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
