why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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