genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
