Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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