So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
