i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
