I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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