Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
