happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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