GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
