I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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