We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
