I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
