I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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