he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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