I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I love you.
Bad choice
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