is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
