I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize
