I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
