Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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