I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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