if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
You can't motorboat a personality
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Randomize
