Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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