A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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