you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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