Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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