Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
