I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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