If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
