I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
