I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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