You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
is it fun? or sober?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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