I wish I could punch you in the face.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
