just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
