my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
