When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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